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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

Some humor for a Wednesday

Some humor for a cold and windy Wednesday morning by the sea, I have a lot going on at present and am juggling a few mental balls, I need to get back in to the groove of moving forward, and this project is a struggle at present. So I have found some humor and here it is, I saw this post on http://foundread.com/ it is some serious humor wrt the VC's , I wonder if any of my friends can pick out the Scottish Enterprise Chiefs amongst this lot, so to the post:

1) Mr. Armchair. He’s a Friday afternoon Chairman. He knows exactly what he’d do as board member of facebook, Google, MySpace.,YouTube. Too bad his portfolio company’s don’t get the same enthusiastic coverage.
2) Mr. One-Hit-Wonder. Yes he sold Postage.com for $200 million (and kept $15 million) so if you wanna hear war stories from the ’90s, take this GSB alum’s money.
3) Mr. Spray-n-Pray. He cites being founding CEO as his Operations experience. (Translation: He was a interim CEO for his last venture firm before company/portfolio implosion and subsequent fund implosion. His fund is a catch-all and he tries to participate in every Sequoia backed deal.
4) Mr. Revisionist Historian. Knowing Pierre Omidyar, living near him in Hawaii and investing in eBay after it went public doesn’t count for didly.
5) Mr A**!@#!-BFF all rolled up into one. He remembers to comp you tickets when your alma mater rolls into town for Stanford hoops. He’ll choke stock outta your co-founder just to up his percentage from 42.5% to 46.25%. On your board, he roasts you one quarter and sing accolades the next. He’s three times divorced and a heck of a good time to go to Vegas with.
6) Mr. Blue Blood. His IQ is double your 155. He’s 5th-generation money. He’s so far ahead of the curve that he married the trophy wife 1st (vs. other VCs whose Trophy is 2.0). His kids (age 2/4/7) can debug your DB using their PlaySchool Mac and will be smarter than you by June.
7) Mr. IRR. He’s old school and he’ll hit his rate of return goals even if he has to give birth in the first person. He goes into deals at a 45 degree entry angle. His bio doesn’t list his alma mater because the 30 companies he IPO’ed take his alloted two pages.
8) Mr. X-Product Manager. He says he’s seeking alpha, but has zero stomach for beta. Beta here, of course, meaning risk not software version. If team + market opportunity + cap table + due dilligence + angel syndicate are in perfect order, he’ll pull the trigger. Number of winners = 0, but he can pee on a parade seven ways to Sunday.
9) Mr. Regurgitator. At HBS, he did well by parroting and that talent has served him well. Once, he culled the wrong case study resulting in a buy rec on BioPay and wallah! Exit-a-mundo! He’s so lucky that in ’08 he’ll be reverse-justifying his funds success.

OK, I lied. There are 12 of them, but if I told you this, I didn’t think you’d keep reading…

10) Mr. Imitator. Read the GBS case study about a young vc getting 20% of a company for nothing (an urban myth) and has been trying to replicate it ever since.
11) Mr. Retired-on-the-Job. He’s rich but mentally checked out. Has ‘income on his cash’ & ‘carry on his fund’ even if they “discover” all 3 of the next Googles.
12) Mr. ROTJ has tracking software for houses, property, assets. One time he bought a car that he already owned. Uses duck9 sms alerts — not for credit card bills, but for which girlfriend in Austin, San Fran, New York needs ‘xoxoxox.’

The post was by Serial founder Larry Chiang, who is a frequent contributor to FoundREAD. His earlier posts include: How to Work The Room; and 8 Tips On How to Get Mentored . Larry’s current company is duck9, which offers “deep underground credit knowledge,” educating student borrowers on how to establish and maintain good credit, and endeavors to graduate them with a FICO over 750. If you want to read more about Larry and his first company, United College Marketing Services, you will find it in the Oct. 15 issue of Business Week. I must admit after reading through the list I have experienced most of these type of folk...but you would find them in any industry, I have worked with an Ex Israel Tank commander as a VC, a very interesting guy to work with, and not bad for VC as they go.



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